E is for EVENTUAL

my mind keeps speaking your name, I stop whatever it is I'm doing and I concentrate, I try to think about what it is I'm exactly remembering about you, but I can't! I don't know what I'm thinking about you, all I know is that my mind is screaming your name over and over it's driving me crazy...

I get up and grab my old diaries, I read all the things you did to me, I take in all the anger, pain, tears and sleepless nights. but NOTHING is coming through to me! I am no longer angry or hurting or crying over you! so why can't my head stop screaming your name?

but then you call, and I have NOTHING to say to you!
at first we just talk and talk, and I'm all cheerful and colorful and you're all understanding and charming. but that's just the superficial crap;
"how've you been?"
"been good",
"what have you been up to?"
"nothing new, really"
nothing specific, nothing personal, because personal eventually hurts, and we don't want that now do we?

and then it DOES get personal, and all I want to do is hang up the phone!
I don't want to make it your business what I'm doing at the moment, and I don't want you to know if I'm seeing someone or if I'm single (which you deliberately take as : still desperately in love") I have no intention in letting you know any details about my life or my plans for the future, and certainly feels uncomfortable when the call goes on for more than 10 minutes...

you no longer HURT to think of, and sometimes I think I hate myself for not holding a grudge! yes, you frustrate me sometimes, but I guess that's normal, and apart from that I'm totally fine around you, sometimes it's even good to see you as long as you don't make a provoking comment about the fact that I gained weight (when I know it only means you're checking out my ass) and I'm totally okay when you're flirting with someone else, because I no longer feel like you're mine.

but too much of you is just too much!
I take nothing you say for granted, I believe none of the facts you lay in front of me.
and the irony reaches its maximum when you start talking about yourself, about your "virtues", mesh ana elly a3mel keda, and all I can think of is "enta KEDA aslan"
I can no longer say that to your face, and I am no longer allowed to feel the anger or the pain you bring o so naturally.
we're "good" friends now remember (good friends who screw around occasionally when you're lonely, but hey, no strings attached , and yeah we'll stay good friends, and no we're not exclusive, but yeah I'll let you know if I'm seeing someone else...)
so I keep my mouth shut

a few days pass by and your wave falls and you're no longer interested, and I'm relieved that you're going, we say nothing, and we slip into the not-so-awkward-anymore formality...
you fade out of my life, and I don't miss you, because for the first time in a long time I actually DO have a life!

but then my mind starts again to call out your name...