I have serious trouble keeping my prayers, ever since I was a little kid I've had them, and when I was about 11, I thought I might be the devil. no matter what I did I couldn't pray right. right until this day, I go for months without praying. and sometimes, late at night I lay in bed and CRY my eyes out because I'm not a good enough person, and I should be getting out of bed and praying el 3esha, I keep imagining how hell is going to be like, but the funny (not) thing is, I NEVER actually get up to pray!
another weird fact is that I STRONGLY believe that if I ask God for something, and I want it hard enough, He's going to make it happen for me! and so when I pray for something, there's always this strong faith that I AM being heard!
the weirdest fact of all is that I get this URGE to pray sometimes, and when I do, I usually feel "internally washed" I don't know why I never keep it up... maybe because almost every time I get it I either alreasy have my period, or I get it in a few days... which is pretty ironic if you ask me!
even though I appear to be quite the confident chick who's got it all going for her, I have absolutely NO sense of self worth! this has been said to me by two different shrinks and a random friend who was reading my tarot cards and got all weird about it "3'areeba di" he said!
I'm only worthy when I am accepted they say, and it is true, and I guess that's why I'm the kind of girl who CAn't tolerate losing a friend! even when they've hurt me so badly. I give up anything to be accepted, to be loved. I cry and apologize even when it's not my fault... but when I am forgiven for their mistakes, am I happy?! I don't think so!
I am Princess of Awkward-land!
I am friends with my ex, I'm friends with his new girlfriend! and I don't feel weird about it!
I had one of my best friends tell me he had feelings for me about a couple of months ago, knowing how much of a ladies' man he is, I told him I thought he was going through a phase, he swore he wasn't... things got outta hand, later he was out of that phase and I was still messed up!
we're back to being friends now, and he's telling me about this new girl he met, who, ironically enough, I also know and am friends with (ARRRGH!!!! )
and yeah, I'm fine with that!
I'm the girl you come and talk to about messed up romance, I'm your girlfriend's girlfriend, and I'm the girl you love but can never really "love" and lately it's been driving me crazy!
you're great, you're hot, but no thanks I don't wanna be with you!
I love you, but I don't love you...
and I would be totally okay with that if none of you said it outloud! if none of you idiots expressed temporary interest in me! I don't want to be anyone's dream girl! I don't want to be loved, but I sure as hell don't wanna be some fuck-buddy idol for all the guys who were temporarily into me!
I am one of the busiest people I know, that doesn't mean I'm important, or that I do important stuff... but I'm just one of those who could never actually have enough hours each day, I go around juggling work, mixing pain and pleasure... I know it should knock me dead by the end of each day, but I still manage to drive myself crazy with endless thoughts about my life!
I know I'm not super active by nature, sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and disappear so I could stop thinking! but that little bastard voice inside my head never really shuts up!
