have you ever read "IT" for stephen king? I've always loved that book (not the movie)
If you read this and you have read the book, you would totally relate.
scene 1
kindergarten playground, kids playing, happy screams filling the air, swings reaching to the sky and see-saw's going up and down.
at a far away corner below the tree sits a little girl eating her sandwich, facing the tree, looking down at her lunch, chewing quietly.
scene 2
Elementary school, goggle-eyed, bushy browed chubby kid sits in the front of the class, she's every teacher's favorite, she's smart, but quiet and painfully shy, and she gets picked on. she has very few friends, only a few kids know HER, the rest of the kids just know the girl who's top of her class.
scene 3
birthday party, the thirteen year old stands in the corner and claps, she wants to dance, but school nerds don't dance, they can't! so she can't either...
she watches other kids as they dance, and wishes she didn't know she'll look like an idiot if she dances. it's hard for her to act cool, she knows she's not
scene 4
4th year college. school reunion, everyone's there.
she walks in, 4 years, 7 kilos and a boyfriend later,and of course having worked through her major self esteem problems, looking better than ever. (just picture sandra bullock in miss congeniality cat-walking in that mauve suit -just before she tripped and fell)
she gets more than a few "oh my God you look gorgeous, I hardly recognized you" and a LOT more than a few guys showing interest in her.
all of the sudden she's fun, and interesting. and she thinks to herself "you've got to be kidding me" she takes a look around, school jockeys are more like junkies now, the hot girls have somehow managed to either get fatter or uglier. and she's doing well in school, she's looking good, feeling good
and everyone wants to be her friend, because in a magical way she is suddenly "it"
it doesn't feel right... but the people who've always rejected her are welcoming her with open arms, she walks in
-present day-
things have changed, but in a way they are pretty much the same.
I have learned a lot, I have changed a lot, and a LOT has changed me.
I have worked my way through everything that's happened to me, I've gotten over my shyness and self consciousness, and become a more open and easy-to-talk-to-person. some people say I have a beautiful smile that lights up my whole face, I have learned to use it and now I use it well
in my relationships I've learned to overcome my vulnerability and love-sickness and somehow managed to turn into a "colder" person on the inside, no matter how warm and loving I seem on the outside, I'm no longer that wide-eyed love sick puppy dog, I'm on the catty side now, lol, I don't know if that's a god or bad thing, it just happened. and I'm still too sore to get screwed again, so I'll keep it that way
I'm doing the kind of work I want, and even though it's not paying off at all now. I know there's nothing else I'd rather be doing (or at least i'm telling myself that so I wouldn't feel like a total failure)
I have good friends, and I mean real friends, not like the jerks who suddenly started liking me because I lost my glasses and a few kilos! my friends know who I am, and they have an idea about who I was (and they mock me for it) but they get it. they get me. and I like that, and I guess I'm lucky for that
I dance now, I dance beautifully (it's what I'm told "you're naturally born a dancer, the beat is in your blood") and it makes me feel good because in a way I feel beautiful when I do. it's hard to explain. but it just happens, I'm no longer worrying about looking stupid. we all gotta look stupid sometime...
I HAVE changed! MASSIVELY! yet I don't really feel like I have. I mean it's all a series of reactions to what happened to me, and whatever I've turned into I must have had it in me all along.
I was a naiive, hopeful, wide-eyed, academically smart but socially dumb young girl.
I never had a boyfriend in school, I was never beautiful because I was the kind of girl who projected the image that she was too smart to care for her looks (I was mamma's little girl at the time, and I listened to her very "wise" theory about "dear, God creates every girl with a special gift, some girls are pretty, some are popular, you're SMART. use it") so I guess I concentrated more on getting in touch with my "inner beauty"
I was quiet, kept to myself, I tried hard to blend in and I hardly got into trouble, I got straight A's and I did not once rank second! and I was still the top of my class when I left school and joined med school
I was stereotyped: the school nerd, the LOSER.
and I know that to all of you who've never been in my shoes, I always will be that nerd-girl.
tell you what I don't really care, I have come a long way. I have hated, loathed and even pitied that girl. I was disgusted at her and ashamed of her and I have finally come to be at peace with her.
she has been through a lot, and she has helped me become who I am (which might still be a loser) but at least I'm a loser who appreciates little things in life.
I kinda love her now, that little painfully shy girl. I owe her a lot
