K is for KARMA

so my best friend and I have this habit of watching our favorite shows together, not on TV though, on MSN, we started this tradition during the last season of "So you think you can dance" (yes we're both obsessed with it, and if you're having any negative comments about that simple fact I'd prefer you keep it to yourself)

this is basically what we do, we get on msn, we both press play at the same time, then we start laughing our asses off about stupid things or awing the good stuff! this is when we came up with "BBS3F--- aka LOL, bad7ak besote 3aly (F is fash7')" and our utmost masterpiece "TWMD---aka LMAO, teezy we23t mel de7k"

you might think it's a stupid or lame tradition, but believe it or not I think it's all the "lame" things that turn friends into family...

so I promised her we'd watch the new SYTYCD auditions together tonight after she got home, but the thing is I'd already watched it this morning. but still I know when she comes home tonight and gives me a buzz on the messenger, I'll pretend to never have watched it before, I'll laugh at all the funny parts, and I won't give hints. and it won't be my first time to pretend to have not done something that I have, cause I'm pretty goddamn good at it.

FIRST rule to a good lie: BELIEVE YOUR LIE! IT IS THE TRUTH! of course I made up that rule, but it has proven to be very satisfactory... I'm a good liar, and I hardly ever get caught...

I had a psychiatric evaluation before I started work, I had pretty high "psychopathic deviation" which means I'm pretty evil at some level.

it's not something I'm proud of, it rather amazes how no one -apart from my mother maybe- who knows exactly how screwed up I am in that area! maybe because she had a little bit too much taste of that special medicine, but apart from that everyone thinks I'm pretty cool...

and here's the problem

where the hell is the catch?

I mean c'mon, what goes around comes around, right?

I'll have to say so, I had a boyfriend who used to lie about SO many things, he cheated on me with a chick who left him for another guy.

girls who used to dis me at school, are practically kissing my ass now

and people I was good to in the past without knowing it are doing favors for me without even knowing it :D

and just like I know all this, I know I'm gonna have a daughter who's gonna close me out of her life, lie about everything, and be worse than the little bitch that I am to my mother!

but then I don't really know.

I know karma exists. I've seen it more in my life that to doubt it.

but if you leave my psychopathic deviation aside, I'm not really a bad person, I've been raised with more sense of guilt than anyone else I've ever known.

at one point in my life I thought I would NEVER be happy because I've done so many bad things in my life and God would never wanna make me happy. I just don't deserve it!

but I don't really understand the concepts of right and wrong, I don't see BLACK and WHITE, everything to me is in shades of GREY!

and sometimes I DO like to believe that I don't deserve bad things happening to me, sometimes I like to believe that maybe I WILL be happy one day. because maybe I'm NOT a bad person afterall, I'm just human, and I make as many mistakes as everyone else

so what if I am "deviated"? who the hell isn't?

I am what I am, and I'll get what's coming to me, and I guess I'll never be totally ready for that.

so what if I lied about watching a goddamn show, it's gonna make her feel better if I watch it again with her, and not look bored. I'm willing to bond over pathetic TV shows!

I'm not justifying anything I'm doing, I'm just saying, 7elw ennaha gat 3ala keda.

J is for Juggler

Once upon a time there was a little clown-girl who lived in a small purple-blue world. she wore an oversized red suit with a round orange collar and big yellow balls for front buttons, her face had a huge red painted-on smile and her hair hung around her face in heavy dark brown locks.

Everybody loved the little clown-girl, her big painted-on smile was contagious, it didn't matter whether or not it was genuine. it made the purple-blue people content. and that was enough.

Juggling was the other reason they loved her

she was VERY good at it.

give her all sorts of different things and she could effortlessly juggle them, she would start with just two things in the air, the rest in her tiny hands. people would stand and watch the circle of floating objects get larger and larger.

she never dropped a thing!

I stood behind the crowd and watched her juggle, I wanted to be just like her, with her shiny suit and her contagious painted-on smile...

I loved her, I hated her, I wanted to be her

but I could never juggle like she could, I could never keep all things in the air. I couldn't make people smile at me, and if I ever tried to make them laugh, I knew they wouldn't be laughing for me, but at me!

I was the one supposed to be in the clown-suit, not her!

I stood in the dark and listened to people clap as she juggled...

she was naturally talented, born to be a star.

and I just stood in the background and envied her abilities to handle the spotlight...

I should have stuck around till the show was over, I should have been there to watch the eye make-up smudge as tears rolled down her cheeks...

poor little clown-girl in the small purple-blue world, still in her shiny oversized red suit with the round orange collar and big yellow balls for buttons, juggling the whole world with her teary eyes and her painted-on smile.