K is for KARMA

so my best friend and I have this habit of watching our favorite shows together, not on TV though, on MSN, we started this tradition during the last season of "So you think you can dance" (yes we're both obsessed with it, and if you're having any negative comments about that simple fact I'd prefer you keep it to yourself)

this is basically what we do, we get on msn, we both press play at the same time, then we start laughing our asses off about stupid things or awing the good stuff! this is when we came up with "BBS3F--- aka LOL, bad7ak besote 3aly (F is fash7')" and our utmost masterpiece "TWMD---aka LMAO, teezy we23t mel de7k"

you might think it's a stupid or lame tradition, but believe it or not I think it's all the "lame" things that turn friends into family...

so I promised her we'd watch the new SYTYCD auditions together tonight after she got home, but the thing is I'd already watched it this morning. but still I know when she comes home tonight and gives me a buzz on the messenger, I'll pretend to never have watched it before, I'll laugh at all the funny parts, and I won't give hints. and it won't be my first time to pretend to have not done something that I have, cause I'm pretty goddamn good at it.

FIRST rule to a good lie: BELIEVE YOUR LIE! IT IS THE TRUTH! of course I made up that rule, but it has proven to be very satisfactory... I'm a good liar, and I hardly ever get caught...

I had a psychiatric evaluation before I started work, I had pretty high "psychopathic deviation" which means I'm pretty evil at some level.

it's not something I'm proud of, it rather amazes how no one -apart from my mother maybe- who knows exactly how screwed up I am in that area! maybe because she had a little bit too much taste of that special medicine, but apart from that everyone thinks I'm pretty cool...

and here's the problem

where the hell is the catch?

I mean c'mon, what goes around comes around, right?

I'll have to say so, I had a boyfriend who used to lie about SO many things, he cheated on me with a chick who left him for another guy.

girls who used to dis me at school, are practically kissing my ass now

and people I was good to in the past without knowing it are doing favors for me without even knowing it :D

and just like I know all this, I know I'm gonna have a daughter who's gonna close me out of her life, lie about everything, and be worse than the little bitch that I am to my mother!

but then I don't really know.

I know karma exists. I've seen it more in my life that to doubt it.

but if you leave my psychopathic deviation aside, I'm not really a bad person, I've been raised with more sense of guilt than anyone else I've ever known.

at one point in my life I thought I would NEVER be happy because I've done so many bad things in my life and God would never wanna make me happy. I just don't deserve it!

but I don't really understand the concepts of right and wrong, I don't see BLACK and WHITE, everything to me is in shades of GREY!

and sometimes I DO like to believe that I don't deserve bad things happening to me, sometimes I like to believe that maybe I WILL be happy one day. because maybe I'm NOT a bad person afterall, I'm just human, and I make as many mistakes as everyone else

so what if I am "deviated"? who the hell isn't?

I am what I am, and I'll get what's coming to me, and I guess I'll never be totally ready for that.

so what if I lied about watching a goddamn show, it's gonna make her feel better if I watch it again with her, and not look bored. I'm willing to bond over pathetic TV shows!

I'm not justifying anything I'm doing, I'm just saying, 7elw ennaha gat 3ala keda.

H is for HELLucination

...She walks in on us and he instinctively lets go of my hand and I instinctively move away. afterall, he was hers first. I look at her long brown curly hair, her freckled face and her large brown eyes, and for the first time I realize how beautiful she is, and it hits me that I'm way out of my league.

I watch her as she walks in and smiles at him, then glances at me and smiles still, after all she has heard a lot about me, I am HIS best friend. she sits down next to him and he naturally ignores my presence and starts talking to her, one arm around her waist. I pull myself together and start smiling and joining in the conversation, but I can hear the screams getting louder and louder in my head!...

I wake up with my heartbeats racing and sweat running down my face, there's a huge lump in my throat and I can hardly breathe.
I'm suffocating from the reality of my dream, I sit up in bed and cover my face with my hands, the screams are still inside, but no tears fall... I have no one to blame this on. just myself

-yes, I'm naturally attracted to assholes!-

B is for BULIMIA

I had so many words in mind for the letter "B" (by now I suppose you get what this blog is about) so many things I actually wanted to talk about; beauty, betrayal, brown (yes, the color) but I chose this because the little monster I had finally managed to put to sleep 2 years ago has risen again and is biting back at me!

let's go back in time...
My bulimia started when I was 15, right after I finished high school.
I'd been really scared I might not do well on my exams in my final year, so every time I took a bite out of anything, I threw it up involuntarily. that year I lost a good 7 kilos off my weight, and people all started commenting on how good I looked...
I'd been a fitness freak all my life, but I was never really able to get rid of all that baby fat. when I threw up the extra 7 kilos, I thought to myself that maybe it was just the easy way out...
and this is how it all started...

since then, my binges have come and gone, there were times when I vomited up to five times a day, other times I went on for months and months without even thinking about it...

the thing is, I don't do it to lose weight, it's true I go through the typical bulimic phases of eating much more than a normal person can handle in a certain amount of time then I feel guilty about it, walk right into the bathroom and painfully watch my food come out the way it got in. but I'm almost always certain that this is not helping me lose weight or maintain the figure I have!
it's true I'm obsessed with my figure, and I admit that I'm a work out maniac and that I can't tolerate a little bit of fat around my waistline. But I also know that even when I'm the fattest I can be these days, I'm still considered skinny!
so why do I do it?!
I know enough about psychology to know that bulimia is sometimes a sign of depression, does that make me depressed?!
I think I am these days, and I think my binge-purge shit get worse when I AM depressed.
but I'm making it stop, starting from today, starting from right now!

I would get professional help if I had enough money for the ridiculously expensive (and eventually useless) sessions. you walk into the shrink's office and all he offers to do is write a prescription of an anxiolytic "it'll make you less stressed out", he says. "thank you, but no thanks" I say. I have too many family members who walk around like zombies cause they're too knocked up on depression medication! I'd rather be a little "stressed out" thank you very much!

I'm planning to get myself some self-help books though... (a round of applause for my thinking positively, please?!)

what I need to say is (mostly to myself), I know that it's a disgusting habit! and I know that in real life, a very few people know about this, I told them shortly after it got outta hand because I seriously needed help. Everyone thinks I quit! and I did, right about a million times!
the rate is lower of course, ever since I started working out regularly and got enough endorphins pumped into my system, things got better for me. when things got really bad in my life and I was too busy breaking down and pulling myself together, I hardly had any time to think about food in the first place. sometimes I just forget about the whole thing...
but right now, these past couple of weeks, it's happened too many times to keep count. it's happened too many times to the extent that I'm scared one time I'll find one of my teeth going down the toilet with the rest of my food! the whole thing is just SCARY!

I wrote this, a few years back, I thought I'd post it again...

"just one more bite, I tell myself...I feel myself getting sick and still I push the food down my throat, I know what's to come next.
my hands are moving as though they belong to someone else, with that continuous robotic movement. and I don't stop except when I'm done with it all. I remind myself to chew well and not to drink any water, because if I do then I have to wait a while before I do it, and waiting means more pain.
I move the plate aside and walk hypnotized to the bathroom, not wanting to but doing it anyway. I walk inside and lock the door.
soon it will be over, I tell myself, just don't think about it and it will be over soon.
the toilet glares at me with it's shiny ivory color, it almost seems to be laughing at me, and I look away. but it's too late to stop now. I lift the seat up and kneel beside it.
just this last time, I'll never do it again...
the next few minutes pass by so fast, I feel my fingers pushing down my tongue, my stomach lurches and I watch the contents of my last meal go down the same way they came in.
good, I think to myself, I don't taste the acids (they hurt) it's a good thing I didn't wait long. I can taste it all, last in first out, starting from the tuna sandwich to the very last chocolate. it makes me sick but I don't stop except when it's over.
for a few seconds I stay with my head down, catching my breaths and waiting for my heart rate to return back to normal.
I wash my hands and brush my teeth (eroded and ugly) then I glance at my half-digested meal before I flush it, feeling disgusted about myself. Never again, I promise myself as I look in the mirror with my blood shot eyes. I look away and go outside, probably thinking about my next meal."

A is for ANGER

I've always been known for my self-destructive habits, I must say, unreleased anger is the most destructive of all.
I look back at my life and I realize that I've spent most of it being ANGRY! there was always something -or someONE- to be mad at.
My mom, controlling and manipulative is the least I could say, (I love her of course, she IS my mother after all, and I guess this is where all the anger comes from) over the years she has used my love for her to get me to do whatever she wants, I'm 24 now, still being treated like a 14 year old. I still care too much about what she thinks, I'm still putting off half the life I want to live because I don't want to upset her. I live a double-life, because I pretend to be the daughter she wants me to be in front of her (still she's not satisfied) outside, I'm still not who I really want to be. I'm still tied down by her in everything I say or do. Too many secrets, too many lies, and I eventually get lost between who I pretend to be, who I want to be and who I really am.
Eventually, I'm NOBODY in particular. and it makes me ANGRY at myself for not being able to stand up for what I think is right, and angry at her for turning me into the lost little coward that I've become...
I have no idea what my future is going to be like, I can't keep on lying forever. and at this fact 'm only SCARED.

my father, docile and tame! he's too kind it makes me want to hate him!
my relationship with my father is the farthest thing to go from a healthy father-daughter relationship. we cannot have a decent conversation, we hardly ever do! the minute he opens his mouth to speak to me, I feel this VOLCANO explode right into his face. he could be asking me ANYTHING, where my mom is, for example, and I instantly respond " you and me are in the living room, and you can HEAR someone in the kitchen! who could it possible BE?!!! a friggin ghost?!"
he could ask for a glass of water and I'd just be go get it yourself, you're standing right next to the kitchen door!
wow, as I type down these words, I see myself as a horrible person. and I know that I am, but the anger I feel towards my father, unjustified as it is, is the WORST of all! and I have no problem expressing it at all in front of him.
I don't know why I do this, and I HAVE been working on it, but still I find myself getting him the glass of water and thinking to myself, God did you just remember you were thirsty when you saw me come out of the room?! or did you ask me to piss me off?!

my home, Small and poor! I hate to say this but it's true; I HATE the house I'm living in!
I do whatever I can do to just stay out of the house for as much time possible.
as a kid, my parents spent whatever money they had on my education and on bringing up what they hoped would be a good person. I was raised like a princess, I got all the rediculously expensive toys I ever asked for, I wore expensive brand names, I went to good schools, and even though my parents had no membership in any club, in the summers they made sure I had this temporary membership in some nice club where I could play sports... ya3ni mat7aramtesh men 7aga.
now you're thinking, so where's the problem?
the problem is, my mom's a spender and my dad is unambitious. he doesn't care how much money he makes as long as it keeps bread on the table (one of the reasons I'm constantly mad at my father) so as time went by, we didn't get poorer, it's just that everyone we knew got richer. and while everyone we knew started moving to better homes and buying new cars, we can't even afford to renovate and paint the Goddamn fallin'-apart-full-of-cracks-walls!!
it does make me angry, I can't help it!

I can list a million other things that make me eat my heart out, that would make me sound bitter, and that would make you think that I'm the most horrible human soul that ever walked the earth. well, I'll tell you what, I'm not! I'm just being honest. I'm just stating the facts, facing myself before I face any of you. I'm not ashamed of who I am because so far I've managed to deal with that anger and live what you may call a normal life - not healthy, but just okay,all I can say is you haven't seen me go over the edge just yet.

I won't deny that it makes me mad because I'm alone right now while my ex is having the time of his life with the girl he cheated on me with. I won't say that I'm okay with the fact that she's everything that I can NEVER be, that she's the total opposite of what I am.
I won't say that every time I'm at the gym or at a friend's house and I look into the mirror, I realize that my hegab is killing whatever beauty I have, and that I constantly feel that I'll never be loved again!
I won't say that I'm fine with knowing that in another life I could have been a totally different person, a healthier, more independent person. and that even though I want to blame my mother for that, I can only blame myself.
I'll admit that my choice of career was the biggest mistake I ever made, and that it's too late to try to fix it now.
let's just say that I'm at this point in my life when I'm mad at EVERYTHING, because everything is going wrong.

I'd like it very much if things were to get better, I'd like it if I learned how to deal with the anger I feel and just come to be at peace with myself at last.
I want to look in the mirror and not feel this RAGE rise inside of me because everything I need to change needs something that I Can't have.
I know that some days will come when I'll be happy, I have my ups and downs, but I just wish I could stop being this ANGRY!