C is for COPING

I hate to have three negative posts in a row, I don't think I have much of a choice. life hasn't been that great to me lately...

it frustrates me to see him, I wish he'd just disappear! but because of our work, I am sentenced to see him for the next year at least!
he's hurt me too much, and I spent way too much time being sad and hurt about it. now I just hide the bitterness and I smile at him when he walks my way, but NO I don't want to smile, I want to scream and yell and throw stuff! I AM NOT OKAY WITH WHAT HE DID TO ME! and I'm not okay that he has convinced himself that he did me no wrong, and that we can go on being, not good friends, but on good terms.
it drives me crazy when I see him looking good and happy and smiling at me, I know this is wrong, I know that I shouldn't be wishing him unhappiness but it's just TOO unfair to see him happy when he'd cause me that much pain!!!
he's going away this week, he's going to see her, the girl he cheated on me with or the girl he cheated on with me, I guess I'll never really know...
all my friends (who are also his) know about his travel plans, I just found out by chance...
no one knows how hard this is for me, to not be able to talk to my best friends because I know they'll just say it's none of my business... I know it's not! that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!!!

if he's so in love with her why was he calling me last week?! why was he asking me to "call him every once in a while" because we were always good friends? and if we are in fact friends now, then why did he not tell me about his little trip to Europe for a 10-day honeymoon with the mozza?!
it's not like I care, but isn't he aware that I'm gonna find out anyway when he posts the pictures on facebook?! and then I'll have to go through that whole thing with my friends again "did you know? did you not know? why didn't you tell me....bla bla bla!!!!"

I don't care what he does! I just want him to stop pretending like he cares what I do!!! I want im out of my life! I want him to stop calling! to stop asking me how everything is going, to stop giving me advice and sound so fucking sincere about it, then just tell me that I have no idea how much I mean to him... then a minute later he's talking about how good I lookde the other day, then 5 minutes later he's starting to blurt out all this shit about how he can't stop thinking about me!!!! (oh, and by that I mean TOTALY PHYSICALLY, because HELLO people, he's in LOVE with his overseas girlfriend whom he started seeing when he was still fucking me, then broke up with me because I snooped around and found out about her, then weeks later he told me it was over (when it really wasn't) and of course since her little blond head was still in the clouds she had no idea I even existed (please note that she never heard about me in the first place)... then he tells me about it and we both go our seperate ways...
but NO he fucking wants to be friends!!!!

how is that even possible!?!!!!
you're right, it's not!

I can't stand seeing him, I can't stand being in the same place with him!
I can't stand my best friends for being best friends with him!
I can't get over what he did to me, and I can't get over how stupid I'd been!
yes I'm okay at times, I get myself together and I forget he even exists, then he shows up like he did today and he messes up everything I'd worked so hard for!
everytime I see him, it's like someone's yelling in my face "you're stupid, you're unwanted, you will give everything you have and still be rejected!"
everytime I see him, he has to give a comment about how loud I am, or how I've gained weight (although he might call me later that night telling me he thinks I'm the hottest girl walking this earth) still, he has to say or do something that will just CUT me open so I can start bleeding again...

I don't want to be bitter here.
I don't want to be the one lying sprawled on the ground, bleeding while he walks away and moves on.. he's planning for the future, he's happy with what he has now, and I'm just right where he left me! I'm not jealous that he's with someone else, I'm just sad that he has left me with nothing to offer to whoever comes next. he left me a broken person, and I can't seem to fix that!!
every time I tell myself that it's getting better, and that I've finally learned to pull myself together, forget about the past and move on, something just HAS to happen! and I start hurting again!

I always told myself that I had no regrets, that if I could live my life over again I would re-do everything exactly the way I first did it, I used to say that I'm this person today because of all the things that happened to me (good and bad), that all those scars I have make me who I am! but the scars are just TOO MANY I can hardly see who I am anymore!
I blame myself for so many things, and I hate myself for not being able to stop this pain. He doesn't deserve to make me this unhappy, he's just not worth it, but I can't stop it!!

if I could take back the past few years when I've known and (I'm sad to say) loved him I would!
I really would.

they say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger... I don't know about that
I know that right now I feel weak and broken and just plain pathetic! and it makes me wish that all this shit had just killed me and gotten over with it...