A is for ANGER

I've always been known for my self-destructive habits, I must say, unreleased anger is the most destructive of all.
I look back at my life and I realize that I've spent most of it being ANGRY! there was always something -or someONE- to be mad at.
My mom, controlling and manipulative is the least I could say, (I love her of course, she IS my mother after all, and I guess this is where all the anger comes from) over the years she has used my love for her to get me to do whatever she wants, I'm 24 now, still being treated like a 14 year old. I still care too much about what she thinks, I'm still putting off half the life I want to live because I don't want to upset her. I live a double-life, because I pretend to be the daughter she wants me to be in front of her (still she's not satisfied) outside, I'm still not who I really want to be. I'm still tied down by her in everything I say or do. Too many secrets, too many lies, and I eventually get lost between who I pretend to be, who I want to be and who I really am.
Eventually, I'm NOBODY in particular. and it makes me ANGRY at myself for not being able to stand up for what I think is right, and angry at her for turning me into the lost little coward that I've become...
I have no idea what my future is going to be like, I can't keep on lying forever. and at this fact 'm only SCARED.

my father, docile and tame! he's too kind it makes me want to hate him!
my relationship with my father is the farthest thing to go from a healthy father-daughter relationship. we cannot have a decent conversation, we hardly ever do! the minute he opens his mouth to speak to me, I feel this VOLCANO explode right into his face. he could be asking me ANYTHING, where my mom is, for example, and I instantly respond " you and me are in the living room, and you can HEAR someone in the kitchen! who could it possible BE?!!! a friggin ghost?!"
he could ask for a glass of water and I'd just be go get it yourself, you're standing right next to the kitchen door!
wow, as I type down these words, I see myself as a horrible person. and I know that I am, but the anger I feel towards my father, unjustified as it is, is the WORST of all! and I have no problem expressing it at all in front of him.
I don't know why I do this, and I HAVE been working on it, but still I find myself getting him the glass of water and thinking to myself, God did you just remember you were thirsty when you saw me come out of the room?! or did you ask me to piss me off?!

my home, Small and poor! I hate to say this but it's true; I HATE the house I'm living in!
I do whatever I can do to just stay out of the house for as much time possible.
as a kid, my parents spent whatever money they had on my education and on bringing up what they hoped would be a good person. I was raised like a princess, I got all the rediculously expensive toys I ever asked for, I wore expensive brand names, I went to good schools, and even though my parents had no membership in any club, in the summers they made sure I had this temporary membership in some nice club where I could play sports... ya3ni mat7aramtesh men 7aga.
now you're thinking, so where's the problem?
the problem is, my mom's a spender and my dad is unambitious. he doesn't care how much money he makes as long as it keeps bread on the table (one of the reasons I'm constantly mad at my father) so as time went by, we didn't get poorer, it's just that everyone we knew got richer. and while everyone we knew started moving to better homes and buying new cars, we can't even afford to renovate and paint the Goddamn fallin'-apart-full-of-cracks-walls!!
it does make me angry, I can't help it!

I can list a million other things that make me eat my heart out, that would make me sound bitter, and that would make you think that I'm the most horrible human soul that ever walked the earth. well, I'll tell you what, I'm not! I'm just being honest. I'm just stating the facts, facing myself before I face any of you. I'm not ashamed of who I am because so far I've managed to deal with that anger and live what you may call a normal life - not healthy, but just okay,all I can say is you haven't seen me go over the edge just yet.

I won't deny that it makes me mad because I'm alone right now while my ex is having the time of his life with the girl he cheated on me with. I won't say that I'm okay with the fact that she's everything that I can NEVER be, that she's the total opposite of what I am.
I won't say that every time I'm at the gym or at a friend's house and I look into the mirror, I realize that my hegab is killing whatever beauty I have, and that I constantly feel that I'll never be loved again!
I won't say that I'm fine with knowing that in another life I could have been a totally different person, a healthier, more independent person. and that even though I want to blame my mother for that, I can only blame myself.
I'll admit that my choice of career was the biggest mistake I ever made, and that it's too late to try to fix it now.
let's just say that I'm at this point in my life when I'm mad at EVERYTHING, because everything is going wrong.

I'd like it very much if things were to get better, I'd like it if I learned how to deal with the anger I feel and just come to be at peace with myself at last.
I want to look in the mirror and not feel this RAGE rise inside of me because everything I need to change needs something that I Can't have.
I know that some days will come when I'll be happy, I have my ups and downs, but I just wish I could stop being this ANGRY!