D is for DENIAL

"I wake up every morning, put on my face
the one that's gonna get me through another day
doesn't really matter how I feel inside
this life is like a game sometimes..."

I have been very busy lately, I've kept myself busy, managed to pack my schedule with too many things I wouldn't normally be willing to fit, starting from the work I have to do in the hospital (I'm an intern) to the clinic I'm training in which takes up a LOT of my time, and let's not forget the gym where I knock myself out everyday.
it's good being this busy, I haven't had that much to do since I can't remember.
I've changed a lot lately, even close friends are noticing it, changed in a good way!
I smile a lot, I laugh a lot more that I have in the past two years altogether, I'm friends with people I never even thought myself capable of talking to, and I'm no longer afraid to cut off certain people who have hurt me too much to still be part of my life.
for the first time in a long time I'm keeping promises I'd made myself, I'm reading good books (ones that have been on my to-read list forever), I'm working out constantly, and I haven't thrown up since the last time I wrote about it.

this is me these days, if anyone's watching from a distance they'd be surprised, and they'd probably be proud of the progress I've made in those last few months. I haven't had a depressive fit since I don't know when (el 7amdullillah) my mood has stabilized and I know longer get the occasional feeling of wanting to just let go of everything and everyone I know!
I'm better, thank God!

but...
(there's gotta be a "but", walla eh?)
the little girl inside my head is still screaming, she's getting louder and louder everyday. I'm shutting her up by keeping myself busy, but no matter what I do I can constantly hear her in the corner of my mind!
I am well aware that my extra-nice, cheerful hyperactive syndrome is no more than a defense mechanism! a trial to prove that I AM okay, and that I need not be fixed.
but I also know that I AM happier now, because things are going back to making sense! I don't care if I'm faking it, I know that one day I'll wake up and things will FEEL alright. the screaming girl will get tired or realize it's useless or simply find peace and give it to me.
I will be happy insha2allah, and I won't be filling my time with more things than I can handle.
one day, I'll be able to just lay in bed staring at the ceiling, surrendering to the nothingness, and smiling at my peace of mind.
and this thought alone makes me smile right now.