H is for HELLucination

...She walks in on us and he instinctively lets go of my hand and I instinctively move away. afterall, he was hers first. I look at her long brown curly hair, her freckled face and her large brown eyes, and for the first time I realize how beautiful she is, and it hits me that I'm way out of my league.

I watch her as she walks in and smiles at him, then glances at me and smiles still, after all she has heard a lot about me, I am HIS best friend. she sits down next to him and he naturally ignores my presence and starts talking to her, one arm around her waist. I pull myself together and start smiling and joining in the conversation, but I can hear the screams getting louder and louder in my head!...

I wake up with my heartbeats racing and sweat running down my face, there's a huge lump in my throat and I can hardly breathe.
I'm suffocating from the reality of my dream, I sit up in bed and cover my face with my hands, the screams are still inside, but no tears fall... I have no one to blame this on. just myself

-yes, I'm naturally attracted to assholes!-

G is for Growing Up

I just turned 25! and unlike 23 (which seemed like an extremely unfriendly age) and 24 (which only meant I was one year older than the previous year) 25 actually means something!
I'm all grown up, don't mind me if I say I'm officially a woman now! and the good thing about it is that I'm totally loving it!
I HAVE massively changed in the past year, I'm stronger, I'm more stable, you can say I actually GREW UP! some things are of course still the same, which is pretty logical, after all, there's only so much that one year could do to you!

so here I am, all grown up and ready to face the world (who am I kidding?) I'm not even CLOSE! I'm just blabbering to make myself feel better.
it's true that things in my life are a lot better than they used to be, and it's true that I AM more mature than I used to be (if you call consulting your brain on every tiny move you make maturity) but that doesn't mean I really have any idea what I'm doing!
inside, I'm still that uncertain little girl, the one who has no clue what life is about. the one who feels too ugly to be loved, too silly to be taken seriously. the girl who tries too hard to be accepted only to get rejected. no matter how dramatically things change on the outside, on the inside it's all the same!

but I have grown up, at least enough to realize that it would take me forever to feel that sense of completion!
I have grown up, but I still have a LOT more growing up to do!

F is for F**k It!

I've wasted enough time on the "F" and if you check my drafts you'll find at least 6 unfinished entries with the title "F is for Fomething"
so I've decided to skip the F, and go for the G, maybe my writer's block will be over by tomorrow!