L is for LOSER

have you ever read "IT" for stephen king? I've always loved that book (not the movie)

If you read this and you have read the book, you would totally relate.

-mental flashbacks-

scene 1

kindergarten playground, kids playing, happy screams filling the air, swings reaching to the sky and see-saw's going up and down.

at a far away corner below the tree sits a little girl eating her sandwich, facing the tree, looking down at her lunch, chewing quietly.

scene 2

Elementary school, goggle-eyed, bushy browed chubby kid sits in the front of the class, she's every teacher's favorite, she's smart, but quiet and painfully shy, and she gets picked on. she has very few friends, only a few kids know HER, the rest of the kids just know the girl who's top of her class.

scene 3

birthday party, the thirteen year old stands in the corner and claps, she wants to dance, but school nerds don't dance, they can't! so she can't either...

she watches other kids as they dance, and wishes she didn't know she'll look like an idiot if she dances. it's hard for her to act cool, she knows she's not

scene 4

4th year college. school reunion, everyone's there.

she walks in, 4 years, 7 kilos and a boyfriend later,and of course having worked through her major self esteem problems, looking better than ever. (just picture sandra bullock in miss congeniality cat-walking in that mauve suit -just before she tripped and fell)

she gets more than a few "oh my God you look gorgeous, I hardly recognized you" and a LOT more than a few guys showing interest in her.

all of the sudden she's fun, and interesting. and she thinks to herself "you've got to be kidding me" she takes a look around, school jockeys are more like junkies now, the hot girls have somehow managed to either get fatter or uglier. and she's doing well in school, she's looking good, feeling good

and everyone wants to be her friend, because in a magical way she is suddenly "it"

it doesn't feel right... but the people who've always rejected her are welcoming her with open arms, she walks in

-present day-

things have changed, but in a way they are pretty much the same.

I have learned a lot, I have changed a lot, and a LOT has changed me.

I have worked my way through everything that's happened to me, I've gotten over my shyness and self consciousness, and become a more open and easy-to-talk-to-person. some people say I have a beautiful smile that lights up my whole face, I have learned to use it and now I use it well

in my relationships I've learned to overcome my vulnerability and love-sickness and somehow managed to turn into a "colder" person on the inside, no matter how warm and loving I seem on the outside, I'm no longer that wide-eyed love sick puppy dog, I'm on the catty side now, lol, I don't know if that's a god or bad thing, it just happened. and I'm still too sore to get screwed again, so I'll keep it that way

I'm doing the kind of work I want, and even though it's not paying off at all now. I know there's nothing else I'd rather be doing (or at least i'm telling myself that so I wouldn't feel like a total failure)

I have good friends, and I mean real friends, not like the jerks who suddenly started liking me because I lost my glasses and a few kilos! my friends know who I am, and they have an idea about who I was (and they mock me for it) but they get it. they get me. and I like that, and I guess I'm lucky for that

I dance now, I dance beautifully (it's what I'm told "you're naturally born a dancer, the beat is in your blood") and it makes me feel good because in a way I feel beautiful when I do. it's hard to explain. but it just happens, I'm no longer worrying about looking stupid. we all gotta look stupid sometime...

I HAVE changed! MASSIVELY! yet I don't really feel like I have. I mean it's all a series of reactions to what happened to me, and whatever I've turned into I must have had it in me all along.

I was a naiive, hopeful, wide-eyed, academically smart but socially dumb young girl.

I never had a boyfriend in school, I was never beautiful because I was the kind of girl who projected the image that she was too smart to care for her looks (I was mamma's little girl at the time, and I listened to her very "wise" theory about "dear, God creates every girl with a special gift, some girls are pretty, some are popular, you're SMART. use it") so I guess I concentrated more on getting in touch with my "inner beauty"

I was quiet, kept to myself, I tried hard to blend in and I hardly got into trouble, I got straight A's and I did not once rank second! and I was still the top of my class when I left school and joined med school

I was stereotyped: the school nerd, the LOSER.

and I know that to all of you who've never been in my shoes, I always will be that nerd-girl.

tell you what I don't really care, I have come a long way. I have hated, loathed and even pitied that girl. I was disgusted at her and ashamed of her and I have finally come to be at peace with her.

she has been through a lot, and she has helped me become who I am (which might still be a loser) but at least I'm a loser who appreciates little things in life.

I kinda love her now, that little painfully shy girl. I owe her a lot

K is for KARMA

so my best friend and I have this habit of watching our favorite shows together, not on TV though, on MSN, we started this tradition during the last season of "So you think you can dance" (yes we're both obsessed with it, and if you're having any negative comments about that simple fact I'd prefer you keep it to yourself)

this is basically what we do, we get on msn, we both press play at the same time, then we start laughing our asses off about stupid things or awing the good stuff! this is when we came up with "BBS3F--- aka LOL, bad7ak besote 3aly (F is fash7')" and our utmost masterpiece "TWMD---aka LMAO, teezy we23t mel de7k"

you might think it's a stupid or lame tradition, but believe it or not I think it's all the "lame" things that turn friends into family...

so I promised her we'd watch the new SYTYCD auditions together tonight after she got home, but the thing is I'd already watched it this morning. but still I know when she comes home tonight and gives me a buzz on the messenger, I'll pretend to never have watched it before, I'll laugh at all the funny parts, and I won't give hints. and it won't be my first time to pretend to have not done something that I have, cause I'm pretty goddamn good at it.

FIRST rule to a good lie: BELIEVE YOUR LIE! IT IS THE TRUTH! of course I made up that rule, but it has proven to be very satisfactory... I'm a good liar, and I hardly ever get caught...

I had a psychiatric evaluation before I started work, I had pretty high "psychopathic deviation" which means I'm pretty evil at some level.

it's not something I'm proud of, it rather amazes how no one -apart from my mother maybe- who knows exactly how screwed up I am in that area! maybe because she had a little bit too much taste of that special medicine, but apart from that everyone thinks I'm pretty cool...

and here's the problem

where the hell is the catch?

I mean c'mon, what goes around comes around, right?

I'll have to say so, I had a boyfriend who used to lie about SO many things, he cheated on me with a chick who left him for another guy.

girls who used to dis me at school, are practically kissing my ass now

and people I was good to in the past without knowing it are doing favors for me without even knowing it :D

and just like I know all this, I know I'm gonna have a daughter who's gonna close me out of her life, lie about everything, and be worse than the little bitch that I am to my mother!

but then I don't really know.

I know karma exists. I've seen it more in my life that to doubt it.

but if you leave my psychopathic deviation aside, I'm not really a bad person, I've been raised with more sense of guilt than anyone else I've ever known.

at one point in my life I thought I would NEVER be happy because I've done so many bad things in my life and God would never wanna make me happy. I just don't deserve it!

but I don't really understand the concepts of right and wrong, I don't see BLACK and WHITE, everything to me is in shades of GREY!

and sometimes I DO like to believe that I don't deserve bad things happening to me, sometimes I like to believe that maybe I WILL be happy one day. because maybe I'm NOT a bad person afterall, I'm just human, and I make as many mistakes as everyone else

so what if I am "deviated"? who the hell isn't?

I am what I am, and I'll get what's coming to me, and I guess I'll never be totally ready for that.

so what if I lied about watching a goddamn show, it's gonna make her feel better if I watch it again with her, and not look bored. I'm willing to bond over pathetic TV shows!

I'm not justifying anything I'm doing, I'm just saying, 7elw ennaha gat 3ala keda.

J is for Juggler

Once upon a time there was a little clown-girl who lived in a small purple-blue world. she wore an oversized red suit with a round orange collar and big yellow balls for front buttons, her face had a huge red painted-on smile and her hair hung around her face in heavy dark brown locks.

Everybody loved the little clown-girl, her big painted-on smile was contagious, it didn't matter whether or not it was genuine. it made the purple-blue people content. and that was enough.

Juggling was the other reason they loved her

she was VERY good at it.

give her all sorts of different things and she could effortlessly juggle them, she would start with just two things in the air, the rest in her tiny hands. people would stand and watch the circle of floating objects get larger and larger.

she never dropped a thing!

I stood behind the crowd and watched her juggle, I wanted to be just like her, with her shiny suit and her contagious painted-on smile...

I loved her, I hated her, I wanted to be her

but I could never juggle like she could, I could never keep all things in the air. I couldn't make people smile at me, and if I ever tried to make them laugh, I knew they wouldn't be laughing for me, but at me!

I was the one supposed to be in the clown-suit, not her!

I stood in the dark and listened to people clap as she juggled...

she was naturally talented, born to be a star.

and I just stood in the background and envied her abilities to handle the spotlight...

I should have stuck around till the show was over, I should have been there to watch the eye make-up smudge as tears rolled down her cheeks...

poor little clown-girl in the small purple-blue world, still in her shiny oversized red suit with the round orange collar and big yellow balls for buttons, juggling the whole world with her teary eyes and her painted-on smile.

I is for Irony

here are simple fun facts from my life:

I have serious trouble keeping my prayers, ever since I was a little kid I've had them, and when I was about 11, I thought I might be the devil. no matter what I did I couldn't pray right. right until this day, I go for months without praying. and sometimes, late at night I lay in bed and CRY my eyes out because I'm not a good enough person, and I should be getting out of bed and praying el 3esha, I keep imagining how hell is going to be like, but the funny (not) thing is, I NEVER actually get up to pray!

another weird fact is that I STRONGLY believe that if I ask God for something, and I want it hard enough, He's going to make it happen for me! and so when I pray for something, there's always this strong faith that I AM being heard!

the weirdest fact of all is that I get this URGE to pray sometimes, and when I do, I usually feel "internally washed" I don't know why I never keep it up... maybe because almost every time I get it I either alreasy have my period, or I get it in a few days... which is pretty ironic if you ask me!

even though I appear to be quite the confident chick who's got it all going for her, I have absolutely NO sense of self worth! this has been said to me by two different shrinks and a random friend who was reading my tarot cards and got all weird about it "3'areeba di" he said!

I'm only worthy when I am accepted they say, and it is true, and I guess that's why I'm the kind of girl who CAn't tolerate losing a friend! even when they've hurt me so badly. I give up anything to be accepted, to be loved. I cry and apologize even when it's not my fault... but when I am forgiven for their mistakes, am I happy?! I don't think so!

I am Princess of Awkward-land!

I am friends with my ex, I'm friends with his new girlfriend! and I don't feel weird about it!

I had one of my best friends tell me he had feelings for me about a couple of months ago, knowing how much of a ladies' man he is, I told him I thought he was going through a phase, he swore he wasn't... things got outta hand, later he was out of that phase and I was still messed up!

we're back to being friends now, and he's telling me about this new girl he met, who, ironically enough, I also know and am friends with (ARRRGH!!!! )

and yeah, I'm fine with that!

I'm the girl you come and talk to about messed up romance, I'm your girlfriend's girlfriend, and I'm the girl you love but can never really "love" and lately it's been driving me crazy!

you're great, you're hot, but no thanks I don't wanna be with you!

I love you, but I don't love you...

and I would be totally okay with that if none of you said it outloud! if none of you idiots expressed temporary interest in me! I don't want to be anyone's dream girl! I don't want to be loved, but I sure as hell don't wanna be some fuck-buddy idol for all the guys who were temporarily into me!

I am one of the busiest people I know, that doesn't mean I'm important, or that I do important stuff... but I'm just one of those who could never actually have enough hours each day, I go around juggling work, mixing pain and pleasure... I know it should knock me dead by the end of each day, but I still manage to drive myself crazy with endless thoughts about my life!

I know I'm not super active by nature, sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and disappear so I could stop thinking! but that little bastard voice inside my head never really shuts up!

H is for HELLucination

...She walks in on us and he instinctively lets go of my hand and I instinctively move away. afterall, he was hers first. I look at her long brown curly hair, her freckled face and her large brown eyes, and for the first time I realize how beautiful she is, and it hits me that I'm way out of my league.

I watch her as she walks in and smiles at him, then glances at me and smiles still, after all she has heard a lot about me, I am HIS best friend. she sits down next to him and he naturally ignores my presence and starts talking to her, one arm around her waist. I pull myself together and start smiling and joining in the conversation, but I can hear the screams getting louder and louder in my head!...

I wake up with my heartbeats racing and sweat running down my face, there's a huge lump in my throat and I can hardly breathe.
I'm suffocating from the reality of my dream, I sit up in bed and cover my face with my hands, the screams are still inside, but no tears fall... I have no one to blame this on. just myself

-yes, I'm naturally attracted to assholes!-

G is for Growing Up

I just turned 25! and unlike 23 (which seemed like an extremely unfriendly age) and 24 (which only meant I was one year older than the previous year) 25 actually means something!
I'm all grown up, don't mind me if I say I'm officially a woman now! and the good thing about it is that I'm totally loving it!
I HAVE massively changed in the past year, I'm stronger, I'm more stable, you can say I actually GREW UP! some things are of course still the same, which is pretty logical, after all, there's only so much that one year could do to you!

so here I am, all grown up and ready to face the world (who am I kidding?) I'm not even CLOSE! I'm just blabbering to make myself feel better.
it's true that things in my life are a lot better than they used to be, and it's true that I AM more mature than I used to be (if you call consulting your brain on every tiny move you make maturity) but that doesn't mean I really have any idea what I'm doing!
inside, I'm still that uncertain little girl, the one who has no clue what life is about. the one who feels too ugly to be loved, too silly to be taken seriously. the girl who tries too hard to be accepted only to get rejected. no matter how dramatically things change on the outside, on the inside it's all the same!

but I have grown up, at least enough to realize that it would take me forever to feel that sense of completion!
I have grown up, but I still have a LOT more growing up to do!

F is for F**k It!

I've wasted enough time on the "F" and if you check my drafts you'll find at least 6 unfinished entries with the title "F is for Fomething"
so I've decided to skip the F, and go for the G, maybe my writer's block will be over by tomorrow!