I is for Irony

here are simple fun facts from my life:

I have serious trouble keeping my prayers, ever since I was a little kid I've had them, and when I was about 11, I thought I might be the devil. no matter what I did I couldn't pray right. right until this day, I go for months without praying. and sometimes, late at night I lay in bed and CRY my eyes out because I'm not a good enough person, and I should be getting out of bed and praying el 3esha, I keep imagining how hell is going to be like, but the funny (not) thing is, I NEVER actually get up to pray!

another weird fact is that I STRONGLY believe that if I ask God for something, and I want it hard enough, He's going to make it happen for me! and so when I pray for something, there's always this strong faith that I AM being heard!

the weirdest fact of all is that I get this URGE to pray sometimes, and when I do, I usually feel "internally washed" I don't know why I never keep it up... maybe because almost every time I get it I either alreasy have my period, or I get it in a few days... which is pretty ironic if you ask me!

even though I appear to be quite the confident chick who's got it all going for her, I have absolutely NO sense of self worth! this has been said to me by two different shrinks and a random friend who was reading my tarot cards and got all weird about it "3'areeba di" he said!

I'm only worthy when I am accepted they say, and it is true, and I guess that's why I'm the kind of girl who CAn't tolerate losing a friend! even when they've hurt me so badly. I give up anything to be accepted, to be loved. I cry and apologize even when it's not my fault... but when I am forgiven for their mistakes, am I happy?! I don't think so!

I am Princess of Awkward-land!

I am friends with my ex, I'm friends with his new girlfriend! and I don't feel weird about it!

I had one of my best friends tell me he had feelings for me about a couple of months ago, knowing how much of a ladies' man he is, I told him I thought he was going through a phase, he swore he wasn't... things got outta hand, later he was out of that phase and I was still messed up!

we're back to being friends now, and he's telling me about this new girl he met, who, ironically enough, I also know and am friends with (ARRRGH!!!! )

and yeah, I'm fine with that!

I'm the girl you come and talk to about messed up romance, I'm your girlfriend's girlfriend, and I'm the girl you love but can never really "love" and lately it's been driving me crazy!

you're great, you're hot, but no thanks I don't wanna be with you!

I love you, but I don't love you...

and I would be totally okay with that if none of you said it outloud! if none of you idiots expressed temporary interest in me! I don't want to be anyone's dream girl! I don't want to be loved, but I sure as hell don't wanna be some fuck-buddy idol for all the guys who were temporarily into me!

I am one of the busiest people I know, that doesn't mean I'm important, or that I do important stuff... but I'm just one of those who could never actually have enough hours each day, I go around juggling work, mixing pain and pleasure... I know it should knock me dead by the end of each day, but I still manage to drive myself crazy with endless thoughts about my life!

I know I'm not super active by nature, sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and disappear so I could stop thinking! but that little bastard voice inside my head never really shuts up!

H is for HELLucination

...She walks in on us and he instinctively lets go of my hand and I instinctively move away. afterall, he was hers first. I look at her long brown curly hair, her freckled face and her large brown eyes, and for the first time I realize how beautiful she is, and it hits me that I'm way out of my league.

I watch her as she walks in and smiles at him, then glances at me and smiles still, after all she has heard a lot about me, I am HIS best friend. she sits down next to him and he naturally ignores my presence and starts talking to her, one arm around her waist. I pull myself together and start smiling and joining in the conversation, but I can hear the screams getting louder and louder in my head!...

I wake up with my heartbeats racing and sweat running down my face, there's a huge lump in my throat and I can hardly breathe.
I'm suffocating from the reality of my dream, I sit up in bed and cover my face with my hands, the screams are still inside, but no tears fall... I have no one to blame this on. just myself

-yes, I'm naturally attracted to assholes!-

G is for Growing Up

I just turned 25! and unlike 23 (which seemed like an extremely unfriendly age) and 24 (which only meant I was one year older than the previous year) 25 actually means something!
I'm all grown up, don't mind me if I say I'm officially a woman now! and the good thing about it is that I'm totally loving it!
I HAVE massively changed in the past year, I'm stronger, I'm more stable, you can say I actually GREW UP! some things are of course still the same, which is pretty logical, after all, there's only so much that one year could do to you!

so here I am, all grown up and ready to face the world (who am I kidding?) I'm not even CLOSE! I'm just blabbering to make myself feel better.
it's true that things in my life are a lot better than they used to be, and it's true that I AM more mature than I used to be (if you call consulting your brain on every tiny move you make maturity) but that doesn't mean I really have any idea what I'm doing!
inside, I'm still that uncertain little girl, the one who has no clue what life is about. the one who feels too ugly to be loved, too silly to be taken seriously. the girl who tries too hard to be accepted only to get rejected. no matter how dramatically things change on the outside, on the inside it's all the same!

but I have grown up, at least enough to realize that it would take me forever to feel that sense of completion!
I have grown up, but I still have a LOT more growing up to do!

F is for F**k It!

I've wasted enough time on the "F" and if you check my drafts you'll find at least 6 unfinished entries with the title "F is for Fomething"
so I've decided to skip the F, and go for the G, maybe my writer's block will be over by tomorrow!

E is for EVENTUAL

my mind keeps speaking your name, I stop whatever it is I'm doing and I concentrate, I try to think about what it is I'm exactly remembering about you, but I can't! I don't know what I'm thinking about you, all I know is that my mind is screaming your name over and over it's driving me crazy...

I get up and grab my old diaries, I read all the things you did to me, I take in all the anger, pain, tears and sleepless nights. but NOTHING is coming through to me! I am no longer angry or hurting or crying over you! so why can't my head stop screaming your name?

but then you call, and I have NOTHING to say to you!
at first we just talk and talk, and I'm all cheerful and colorful and you're all understanding and charming. but that's just the superficial crap;
"how've you been?"
"been good",
"what have you been up to?"
"nothing new, really"
nothing specific, nothing personal, because personal eventually hurts, and we don't want that now do we?

and then it DOES get personal, and all I want to do is hang up the phone!
I don't want to make it your business what I'm doing at the moment, and I don't want you to know if I'm seeing someone or if I'm single (which you deliberately take as : still desperately in love") I have no intention in letting you know any details about my life or my plans for the future, and certainly feels uncomfortable when the call goes on for more than 10 minutes...

you no longer HURT to think of, and sometimes I think I hate myself for not holding a grudge! yes, you frustrate me sometimes, but I guess that's normal, and apart from that I'm totally fine around you, sometimes it's even good to see you as long as you don't make a provoking comment about the fact that I gained weight (when I know it only means you're checking out my ass) and I'm totally okay when you're flirting with someone else, because I no longer feel like you're mine.

but too much of you is just too much!
I take nothing you say for granted, I believe none of the facts you lay in front of me.
and the irony reaches its maximum when you start talking about yourself, about your "virtues", mesh ana elly a3mel keda, and all I can think of is "enta KEDA aslan"
I can no longer say that to your face, and I am no longer allowed to feel the anger or the pain you bring o so naturally.
we're "good" friends now remember (good friends who screw around occasionally when you're lonely, but hey, no strings attached , and yeah we'll stay good friends, and no we're not exclusive, but yeah I'll let you know if I'm seeing someone else...)
so I keep my mouth shut

a few days pass by and your wave falls and you're no longer interested, and I'm relieved that you're going, we say nothing, and we slip into the not-so-awkward-anymore formality...
you fade out of my life, and I don't miss you, because for the first time in a long time I actually DO have a life!

but then my mind starts again to call out your name...

D is for DENIAL

"I wake up every morning, put on my face
the one that's gonna get me through another day
doesn't really matter how I feel inside
this life is like a game sometimes..."

I have been very busy lately, I've kept myself busy, managed to pack my schedule with too many things I wouldn't normally be willing to fit, starting from the work I have to do in the hospital (I'm an intern) to the clinic I'm training in which takes up a LOT of my time, and let's not forget the gym where I knock myself out everyday.
it's good being this busy, I haven't had that much to do since I can't remember.
I've changed a lot lately, even close friends are noticing it, changed in a good way!
I smile a lot, I laugh a lot more that I have in the past two years altogether, I'm friends with people I never even thought myself capable of talking to, and I'm no longer afraid to cut off certain people who have hurt me too much to still be part of my life.
for the first time in a long time I'm keeping promises I'd made myself, I'm reading good books (ones that have been on my to-read list forever), I'm working out constantly, and I haven't thrown up since the last time I wrote about it.

this is me these days, if anyone's watching from a distance they'd be surprised, and they'd probably be proud of the progress I've made in those last few months. I haven't had a depressive fit since I don't know when (el 7amdullillah) my mood has stabilized and I know longer get the occasional feeling of wanting to just let go of everything and everyone I know!
I'm better, thank God!

but...
(there's gotta be a "but", walla eh?)
the little girl inside my head is still screaming, she's getting louder and louder everyday. I'm shutting her up by keeping myself busy, but no matter what I do I can constantly hear her in the corner of my mind!
I am well aware that my extra-nice, cheerful hyperactive syndrome is no more than a defense mechanism! a trial to prove that I AM okay, and that I need not be fixed.
but I also know that I AM happier now, because things are going back to making sense! I don't care if I'm faking it, I know that one day I'll wake up and things will FEEL alright. the screaming girl will get tired or realize it's useless or simply find peace and give it to me.
I will be happy insha2allah, and I won't be filling my time with more things than I can handle.
one day, I'll be able to just lay in bed staring at the ceiling, surrendering to the nothingness, and smiling at my peace of mind.
and this thought alone makes me smile right now.

C is for COPING

I hate to have three negative posts in a row, I don't think I have much of a choice. life hasn't been that great to me lately...

it frustrates me to see him, I wish he'd just disappear! but because of our work, I am sentenced to see him for the next year at least!
he's hurt me too much, and I spent way too much time being sad and hurt about it. now I just hide the bitterness and I smile at him when he walks my way, but NO I don't want to smile, I want to scream and yell and throw stuff! I AM NOT OKAY WITH WHAT HE DID TO ME! and I'm not okay that he has convinced himself that he did me no wrong, and that we can go on being, not good friends, but on good terms.
it drives me crazy when I see him looking good and happy and smiling at me, I know this is wrong, I know that I shouldn't be wishing him unhappiness but it's just TOO unfair to see him happy when he'd cause me that much pain!!!
he's going away this week, he's going to see her, the girl he cheated on me with or the girl he cheated on with me, I guess I'll never really know...
all my friends (who are also his) know about his travel plans, I just found out by chance...
no one knows how hard this is for me, to not be able to talk to my best friends because I know they'll just say it's none of my business... I know it's not! that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!!!

if he's so in love with her why was he calling me last week?! why was he asking me to "call him every once in a while" because we were always good friends? and if we are in fact friends now, then why did he not tell me about his little trip to Europe for a 10-day honeymoon with the mozza?!
it's not like I care, but isn't he aware that I'm gonna find out anyway when he posts the pictures on facebook?! and then I'll have to go through that whole thing with my friends again "did you know? did you not know? why didn't you tell me....bla bla bla!!!!"

I don't care what he does! I just want him to stop pretending like he cares what I do!!! I want im out of my life! I want him to stop calling! to stop asking me how everything is going, to stop giving me advice and sound so fucking sincere about it, then just tell me that I have no idea how much I mean to him... then a minute later he's talking about how good I lookde the other day, then 5 minutes later he's starting to blurt out all this shit about how he can't stop thinking about me!!!! (oh, and by that I mean TOTALY PHYSICALLY, because HELLO people, he's in LOVE with his overseas girlfriend whom he started seeing when he was still fucking me, then broke up with me because I snooped around and found out about her, then weeks later he told me it was over (when it really wasn't) and of course since her little blond head was still in the clouds she had no idea I even existed (please note that she never heard about me in the first place)... then he tells me about it and we both go our seperate ways...
but NO he fucking wants to be friends!!!!

how is that even possible!?!!!!
you're right, it's not!

I can't stand seeing him, I can't stand being in the same place with him!
I can't stand my best friends for being best friends with him!
I can't get over what he did to me, and I can't get over how stupid I'd been!
yes I'm okay at times, I get myself together and I forget he even exists, then he shows up like he did today and he messes up everything I'd worked so hard for!
everytime I see him, it's like someone's yelling in my face "you're stupid, you're unwanted, you will give everything you have and still be rejected!"
everytime I see him, he has to give a comment about how loud I am, or how I've gained weight (although he might call me later that night telling me he thinks I'm the hottest girl walking this earth) still, he has to say or do something that will just CUT me open so I can start bleeding again...

I don't want to be bitter here.
I don't want to be the one lying sprawled on the ground, bleeding while he walks away and moves on.. he's planning for the future, he's happy with what he has now, and I'm just right where he left me! I'm not jealous that he's with someone else, I'm just sad that he has left me with nothing to offer to whoever comes next. he left me a broken person, and I can't seem to fix that!!
every time I tell myself that it's getting better, and that I've finally learned to pull myself together, forget about the past and move on, something just HAS to happen! and I start hurting again!

I always told myself that I had no regrets, that if I could live my life over again I would re-do everything exactly the way I first did it, I used to say that I'm this person today because of all the things that happened to me (good and bad), that all those scars I have make me who I am! but the scars are just TOO MANY I can hardly see who I am anymore!
I blame myself for so many things, and I hate myself for not being able to stop this pain. He doesn't deserve to make me this unhappy, he's just not worth it, but I can't stop it!!

if I could take back the past few years when I've known and (I'm sad to say) loved him I would!
I really would.

they say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger... I don't know about that
I know that right now I feel weak and broken and just plain pathetic! and it makes me wish that all this shit had just killed me and gotten over with it...

B is for BULIMIA

I had so many words in mind for the letter "B" (by now I suppose you get what this blog is about) so many things I actually wanted to talk about; beauty, betrayal, brown (yes, the color) but I chose this because the little monster I had finally managed to put to sleep 2 years ago has risen again and is biting back at me!

let's go back in time...
My bulimia started when I was 15, right after I finished high school.
I'd been really scared I might not do well on my exams in my final year, so every time I took a bite out of anything, I threw it up involuntarily. that year I lost a good 7 kilos off my weight, and people all started commenting on how good I looked...
I'd been a fitness freak all my life, but I was never really able to get rid of all that baby fat. when I threw up the extra 7 kilos, I thought to myself that maybe it was just the easy way out...
and this is how it all started...

since then, my binges have come and gone, there were times when I vomited up to five times a day, other times I went on for months and months without even thinking about it...

the thing is, I don't do it to lose weight, it's true I go through the typical bulimic phases of eating much more than a normal person can handle in a certain amount of time then I feel guilty about it, walk right into the bathroom and painfully watch my food come out the way it got in. but I'm almost always certain that this is not helping me lose weight or maintain the figure I have!
it's true I'm obsessed with my figure, and I admit that I'm a work out maniac and that I can't tolerate a little bit of fat around my waistline. But I also know that even when I'm the fattest I can be these days, I'm still considered skinny!
so why do I do it?!
I know enough about psychology to know that bulimia is sometimes a sign of depression, does that make me depressed?!
I think I am these days, and I think my binge-purge shit get worse when I AM depressed.
but I'm making it stop, starting from today, starting from right now!

I would get professional help if I had enough money for the ridiculously expensive (and eventually useless) sessions. you walk into the shrink's office and all he offers to do is write a prescription of an anxiolytic "it'll make you less stressed out", he says. "thank you, but no thanks" I say. I have too many family members who walk around like zombies cause they're too knocked up on depression medication! I'd rather be a little "stressed out" thank you very much!

I'm planning to get myself some self-help books though... (a round of applause for my thinking positively, please?!)

what I need to say is (mostly to myself), I know that it's a disgusting habit! and I know that in real life, a very few people know about this, I told them shortly after it got outta hand because I seriously needed help. Everyone thinks I quit! and I did, right about a million times!
the rate is lower of course, ever since I started working out regularly and got enough endorphins pumped into my system, things got better for me. when things got really bad in my life and I was too busy breaking down and pulling myself together, I hardly had any time to think about food in the first place. sometimes I just forget about the whole thing...
but right now, these past couple of weeks, it's happened too many times to keep count. it's happened too many times to the extent that I'm scared one time I'll find one of my teeth going down the toilet with the rest of my food! the whole thing is just SCARY!

I wrote this, a few years back, I thought I'd post it again...

"just one more bite, I tell myself...I feel myself getting sick and still I push the food down my throat, I know what's to come next.
my hands are moving as though they belong to someone else, with that continuous robotic movement. and I don't stop except when I'm done with it all. I remind myself to chew well and not to drink any water, because if I do then I have to wait a while before I do it, and waiting means more pain.
I move the plate aside and walk hypnotized to the bathroom, not wanting to but doing it anyway. I walk inside and lock the door.
soon it will be over, I tell myself, just don't think about it and it will be over soon.
the toilet glares at me with it's shiny ivory color, it almost seems to be laughing at me, and I look away. but it's too late to stop now. I lift the seat up and kneel beside it.
just this last time, I'll never do it again...
the next few minutes pass by so fast, I feel my fingers pushing down my tongue, my stomach lurches and I watch the contents of my last meal go down the same way they came in.
good, I think to myself, I don't taste the acids (they hurt) it's a good thing I didn't wait long. I can taste it all, last in first out, starting from the tuna sandwich to the very last chocolate. it makes me sick but I don't stop except when it's over.
for a few seconds I stay with my head down, catching my breaths and waiting for my heart rate to return back to normal.
I wash my hands and brush my teeth (eroded and ugly) then I glance at my half-digested meal before I flush it, feeling disgusted about myself. Never again, I promise myself as I look in the mirror with my blood shot eyes. I look away and go outside, probably thinking about my next meal."

A is for ANGER

I've always been known for my self-destructive habits, I must say, unreleased anger is the most destructive of all.
I look back at my life and I realize that I've spent most of it being ANGRY! there was always something -or someONE- to be mad at.
My mom, controlling and manipulative is the least I could say, (I love her of course, she IS my mother after all, and I guess this is where all the anger comes from) over the years she has used my love for her to get me to do whatever she wants, I'm 24 now, still being treated like a 14 year old. I still care too much about what she thinks, I'm still putting off half the life I want to live because I don't want to upset her. I live a double-life, because I pretend to be the daughter she wants me to be in front of her (still she's not satisfied) outside, I'm still not who I really want to be. I'm still tied down by her in everything I say or do. Too many secrets, too many lies, and I eventually get lost between who I pretend to be, who I want to be and who I really am.
Eventually, I'm NOBODY in particular. and it makes me ANGRY at myself for not being able to stand up for what I think is right, and angry at her for turning me into the lost little coward that I've become...
I have no idea what my future is going to be like, I can't keep on lying forever. and at this fact 'm only SCARED.

my father, docile and tame! he's too kind it makes me want to hate him!
my relationship with my father is the farthest thing to go from a healthy father-daughter relationship. we cannot have a decent conversation, we hardly ever do! the minute he opens his mouth to speak to me, I feel this VOLCANO explode right into his face. he could be asking me ANYTHING, where my mom is, for example, and I instantly respond " you and me are in the living room, and you can HEAR someone in the kitchen! who could it possible BE?!!! a friggin ghost?!"
he could ask for a glass of water and I'd just be go get it yourself, you're standing right next to the kitchen door!
wow, as I type down these words, I see myself as a horrible person. and I know that I am, but the anger I feel towards my father, unjustified as it is, is the WORST of all! and I have no problem expressing it at all in front of him.
I don't know why I do this, and I HAVE been working on it, but still I find myself getting him the glass of water and thinking to myself, God did you just remember you were thirsty when you saw me come out of the room?! or did you ask me to piss me off?!

my home, Small and poor! I hate to say this but it's true; I HATE the house I'm living in!
I do whatever I can do to just stay out of the house for as much time possible.
as a kid, my parents spent whatever money they had on my education and on bringing up what they hoped would be a good person. I was raised like a princess, I got all the rediculously expensive toys I ever asked for, I wore expensive brand names, I went to good schools, and even though my parents had no membership in any club, in the summers they made sure I had this temporary membership in some nice club where I could play sports... ya3ni mat7aramtesh men 7aga.
now you're thinking, so where's the problem?
the problem is, my mom's a spender and my dad is unambitious. he doesn't care how much money he makes as long as it keeps bread on the table (one of the reasons I'm constantly mad at my father) so as time went by, we didn't get poorer, it's just that everyone we knew got richer. and while everyone we knew started moving to better homes and buying new cars, we can't even afford to renovate and paint the Goddamn fallin'-apart-full-of-cracks-walls!!
it does make me angry, I can't help it!

I can list a million other things that make me eat my heart out, that would make me sound bitter, and that would make you think that I'm the most horrible human soul that ever walked the earth. well, I'll tell you what, I'm not! I'm just being honest. I'm just stating the facts, facing myself before I face any of you. I'm not ashamed of who I am because so far I've managed to deal with that anger and live what you may call a normal life - not healthy, but just okay,all I can say is you haven't seen me go over the edge just yet.

I won't deny that it makes me mad because I'm alone right now while my ex is having the time of his life with the girl he cheated on me with. I won't say that I'm okay with the fact that she's everything that I can NEVER be, that she's the total opposite of what I am.
I won't say that every time I'm at the gym or at a friend's house and I look into the mirror, I realize that my hegab is killing whatever beauty I have, and that I constantly feel that I'll never be loved again!
I won't say that I'm fine with knowing that in another life I could have been a totally different person, a healthier, more independent person. and that even though I want to blame my mother for that, I can only blame myself.
I'll admit that my choice of career was the biggest mistake I ever made, and that it's too late to try to fix it now.
let's just say that I'm at this point in my life when I'm mad at EVERYTHING, because everything is going wrong.

I'd like it very much if things were to get better, I'd like it if I learned how to deal with the anger I feel and just come to be at peace with myself at last.
I want to look in the mirror and not feel this RAGE rise inside of me because everything I need to change needs something that I Can't have.
I know that some days will come when I'll be happy, I have my ups and downs, but I just wish I could stop being this ANGRY!